Determined to live my life on the side that counts the most - with Him.
I’ve never feared missing something.
Or someone so much until.
I felt that I lost them.
Toasting to the mind that I have,
It only knows how to cause me panic,
Anxiety, and pain.
Toasting to the death you are giving me,
Not the great job you do.
There is no way that any one can know
If I cry - is it always sadness?
Inpossible to know.
I say. I am always happy.
These tears scream JOY, even if it comes out in pain.
There is - No way!
This is destined to be this way.
To look at it differently is to lose reality.
For this is what’s already here.
And thinking of what it was or could be.
Is a thought on the mind of a person with fear.
Take it for the solidness that it holds.
For your thoughts are hallow wishing to be known.
And only you will feed it your time.
Who knows them, but you.
This is what it’s supposed to be.
Deal with this first and never what you wanted it to be.
Nothing stands still and ever so slightly everything moves.
Hair super messy.
As if the wind has been waving.
Though she’s in the room - not outside.
She’s panting with exhaustion.
Definitely, she’s been working hard.
She’s definitely excited.
Though happiness doesn’t seem to be it.
The wind is not there for the hair.
The air is not there for the hugs.
The panting is not from sitting.
She’s been fighting.
Against the suctions of my mind.
Trying to bring me back.
All of it spilled over
Nothing remained for the toast
I never made it there to toast
I lied all the way there
Never got over
I was still stuck back there
This moment here
Of me still back there.
The sun so bright.
Yet the darkness is so deep.
There is no shine.
Everything is a dark pit.
Drowning out all light.
Even though the sun is so bright.
A yellow dot in a dark sky.
There is really no light.
The darkness outshines the light.
In the same place.
Where it once stood.
There it was again.
The dark shadowy blur.
It was still there and never left.
It has waited patiently.
Now I am back here again.
It knew that I would return.
I am only able to go as far.
I need to know.
What it feels like?
What it is that I feel like?
What it is that you make me feel like?
What it is that the situations make me feel like?
What drowning feels like?
Wanting to scream and water fills your lungs.
Wanting to cry but the water washes the tears away.
Wanting to express something in anyway.
But the water, and the drowning only allows for panics.
It doesn’t express any other emotions.
Drowning is the equivalent of my anxiety.
For I will drown and die first before I can express where my mind and emotions are.
And you will only see my panic.