Color my soul black
To show for all the pain
Confusion, and mess
There is no colors to show
For life has stolen happiness
It’s black like a ditch
And when you reach in
There’s only decomposed matter
Do you not smell that color?
The smell of rot taking control
Only this I know
How black is my color
And makes my shadow
But also speaks volume Of my being.
Figure out all you know. Do you know much about yourself? Or maybe nothing at all. Like a white wall. Seems to be straight forward. But it takes in the light. Letting out a glare of it. What you see is not the reality. It is the illusion of it. - Ruptes
I’ve never feared missing something.
Or someone so much until.
I felt that I lost them.
Watch me light her up.
Put the torch to it.
Warm it up pass the burn.
Have it close to me.
And when I breath I make it, me.
Within me it creates clouds.
Those that people say yuck to.
Those of which I enjoy.
Because in the exhale it takes it all.
The stress and anxiety.
Nothing better than this smoke.
There is - No way!
This is destined to be this way.
To look at it differently is to lose reality.
For this is what’s already here.
And thinking of what it was or could be.
Is a thought on the mind of a person with fear.
Take it for the solidness that it holds.
For your thoughts are hallow wishing to be known.
And only you will feed it your time.
Who knows them, but you.
This is what it’s supposed to be.
Deal with this first and never what you wanted it to be.
Nothing stands still and ever so slightly everything moves.
Hair super messy.
As if the wind has been waving.
Though she’s in the room - not outside.
She’s panting with exhaustion.
Definitely, she’s been working hard.
She’s definitely excited.
Though happiness doesn’t seem to be it.
The wind is not there for the hair.
The air is not there for the hugs.
The panting is not from sitting.
She’s been fighting.
Against the suctions of my mind.
Trying to bring me back.
There are many a ways
To get somewhere
But the somewhere
Is always the same.
All of it spilled over
Nothing remained for the toast
I never made it there to toast
I lied all the way there
Never got over
I was still stuck back there
This moment here
Of me still back there.
The sun so bright.
Yet the darkness is so deep.
There is no shine.
Everything is a dark pit.
Drowning out all light.
Even though the sun is so bright.
A yellow dot in a dark sky.
There is really no light.
The darkness outshines the light.
In the same place.
Where it once stood.
There it was again.
The dark shadowy blur.
It was still there and never left.
It has waited patiently.
Now I am back here again.
It knew that I would return.
I am only able to go as far.
I need to know.
What it feels like?
What it is that I feel like?
What it is that you make me feel like?
What it is that the situations make me feel like?
What drowning feels like?
Wanting to scream and water fills your lungs.
Wanting to cry but the water washes the tears away.
Wanting to express something in anyway.
But the water, and the drowning only allows for panics.
It doesn’t express any other emotions.
Drowning is the equivalent of my anxiety.
For I will drown and die first before I can express where my mind and emotions are.
And you will only see my panic.
To the me that still worries,
There is no need for the pressure,
Or the self inflicted pain.
The only person feeling it is you –
Published at The Poetry Bar on 05/25/2020